kalopsia

the best thing ever said to me was crafted out of pure hatred for my existence. the nuclear explosion of impulsive thoughts. I don't believe people say things they don't mean, there has to be some uncoordinated truth to the words that we hold onto until it explodes out of us. for example, the first time I told someone I love them, I didn't mean to, it was the creation of a fight or flight response that my body/brain decided was the right thing to do. the first time he told me he hated me, I knew it was true and no matter how hard he tried to take back his words, I knew the truth of the matter was that yes: in those 5 seconds he did in fact hate me. I mean come on... I can admit I'm a fucking asshole when it comes to confrontation about emotional relationships.

anyways the point in my tangled diagnoses of the sentence I've chosen worthy enough to emotional affects me, was the observation of my existence given to me by a person I highly approve of that stated, and I quote " You're awful; You're a horrible person; You deserve every bad thing that has ever happen to you,". in retrospect the first two lines didn't affect me at all, this was a commonly known fact about my existence and something I state in my explanation/term and conditions of knowing me. I'm well aware of the effects of loving a person who can not always recuperate the same love back. the thing that gave me a tornado feeling of acknowledgment and self-love was the fact for the first time ever, a person had publicly admitted to the recognition that terrible things had happened to me. for the first time, I wasn't just a hypothesis of the cruel intention of my paperback world. I wasn't a victim of my own plotline, or a narrative of the third person reality I explained to be distant enough from the actions. I, Hannah, was the girl left under the slide, the bruises, the misconduct, the skiing accident, the cracked head, the boat ride, the drowning, the L shaped couch, the stalked, etc. it was all me, I existed and nobody could try to reframe my reality to protect themselves from authority. the words stated couldn't be diluted in any way, no expression could twist it into a dark humor joke and I was grateful for that.

when the hatred wore off, she repeatedly apologized for her explosion of words, all I wanted/ could say was thank you. cause finally, after years of waiting, I was no longer a kalopsia girl, I was just a person. a series of events and choices I made. And she saw me for just that. 

this is a revised paragraph version of a poem I wrote a year ago,  id like to state that I feel no resentment or hatred to any of the people stated in this entry. I value people's opinions and thoughts at a higher rate and validate feedback to understand the density of my being. 

thanks lol

katbird02