disappearing within myself, pt 2

 I lost myself between the telephone wires. the failed communication became certain satisfaction at all my failed attempts. he always comes back when the tide is drowning out all the land and there is already nothing left to take. we sit here planning our futures, and I can't help to think of the conversation I held before, with other boys dressed in polos or rip to rags t-shirts. each of them gifted the faith of death sooner than anybody in the room expected. I stopped loving you when he died. before the night I spent months trying to fit myself into a pair of jeans you would have liked, starved myself from humanity, and forgot the face of the boy on the telephone. the same night I was convinced of the concept of pain ending. his life ended. I hated you for it, the strumming of your guitar ringing through my ears for the first time brought back memories of him crafting me lullaby's to drown out his fear of going to bed alone. I hated you for it. but I stayed because I didn't stay for him. and I grasped on to any life you held and begged for u to exist long enough for me to see u happy again. but you left. in all the ways you were meant to. and so I'll leave too. in ways you never excepted.