seeing best gore before porn:

they always look for the same thing

the moment the eyes widened 

the sudden gasp

 at the sight of bodies being sliced like rubber

the contortions of body parts

sticking out of bricks and couch seats

he explains how he wants me that way

back folded over blood-filled bathtubs

pruned fingertips that soak into a herbal tea

the scent of decaying flesh and my honeysuckle perfume

that lingered around his erotic fantasy 

doctors missing glove:

the tiles tremble with a bone-chilling aura

the scrubs beginning to slip from the weight of unsolicited letters  

padding the sides of where a waistband once lived

his hands glide over the marks like they were powder sand 

surrounding the coast of the beach house he uses to visit

removing the scarf of badges that surrounded my every shrinking neck

muttering repeatedly "beautiful junkie"

showing my gift of making quiet mute men speak

the trade made between patient and doctor was two pieces of nicotine gum  that soaked under my tongue

he traded morals for my time 

trying to diagnose the blithe child before him

questioning every inch of my crafted persona 

and attempting to take notes 

his jealousy seemed to wane in and out of stories

the way they always did

when men were only men in them

his green-eyed hatred choked the room at the sight of another man's name etched into my left wrist

bewitched at his finding of the loved bombing letters 

that tried to hide in the midst of my strip search

how stupid it is to love the uncompassionate soul he states

as he allows the irony that slowly consumed his already corrupt throat.

demons dressed a bugs: a theory from a friend

i walk around like a centipede with bodies i did not want to collect 

they intertwined between each relationship as they push and pull for each of my limbs 

trying to deni my existing soul

i know i feed them, gave them air to breathe

gave them memory without having to speak their name into existence

as they continued to crawl all over me

these bugs, these insects, and their attaching limbs.

i found them in hallway closets, bed bug-filled couches, and beach houses.

i didn't ask them to stay, but i didn't know how to ask them to leave

allowed them to nest in my brain

make one with my being 

held together underwater with no fear of drowning 

we are only just ants, insects, desperate to prove our existence to the hollow rock we crawl over

hehe- um here are some stuff i wrote a couple months ago... almost all written at 3 am and created in a failed attempt of trying to explain myself.. yeah.. lolz <3 for my friends and therapist